The Stress and Pressure of Exams!

Exams go hand in hand with stress, worry, anxiety, late night cramming and self-doubt. We see our children fret and panic which is often paired with unhelpful thinking patterns during this period. Exams set off a chain reaction within our children’s body, emotions and thinking state which can hinder how they approach their exams.

First let’s look at this chain reaction a little closer which will help us to understand what is happening neurologically for them and then we can implement strategies.

Let’s just picture a mountain for a moment and view heightened emotional states such as exam pressure and anxiety as walking up the mountain. At the base of the mountain we are calm and happy. We start to climb the mountain once the brain registers a shift in our physiological state i.e. heart beating faster, sweaty palms, tense shoulders etc.

These physiological changes send a signal to the brain to identify the feeling state. Once the brain recognizes the feeling state, it tunes into our thought pattern/ internal dialogue and as this occurs, we continue to climb the mountain. Our internal dialogue can either fuel and intensify the emotion or it can help us to regulate our emotions. We keep climbing the mountain the more we listen to the internal dialogue and in no time we are at the peak of the mountain where we have reached emotional intensity.

 At the peak of the emotion mountain our brain has entered into survival mode and we encounter a number of difficulties:

·         Our brain is flooded with emotions

·         Irrational thinking – repetitive thoughts occur – we believe that these thoughts are true and 100% accurate.

·         Difficulty to communicate our needs

·         We have a compulsion to act on these feelings

·         Our ability to plan, organize and problem solve is clouded.

Once we are at the top of the mountain we need to get down and here are some key steps to help us get out of these emotionally intense states.

1.       Recognize what we are feeling – the minute we do this we reduce the intensity.

2.       Don’t fuel the emotion – turn down the volume of our internal dialogue by removing statements with “I must”, “I should”, “I have to”, “I shouldn’t have”. These words all add additional stress, tension, pressure, guilt and obligation.

3.       Engage in grounding techniques – our nervous system is in a state of hyper or hypo arousal. So, we need to engage in calming techniques that bring the nervous system back to a state of homeostasis.

4.       Once we are calm it opens up the neurological pathways for us to begin to think more rationally and our executive functioning skills such as planning, time management, organizing, problem solving are all back on line.

Time to explore strategies to manage those intense feeling states:

1.       Awareness

Firstly, let’s talk to our children about the emotion mountain and support them to identify what are some situations that might set them off to start walking up the mountain such as: hearing others talk about the exam, what friends have studied, reading a question in the exam and not knowing the answer. Come up with a game plan for these situations together. This strategy helps children to feel in control.

2.       Brainstorm Calming Strategies

During the study period explore emotion calming strategies and practice these strategies so that come exam time they have some handy little strategies that they can call on to help them come down the emotion mountain.

·         Breathing is a great tool that helps to slow down the body and internal dialogue down. It attempts to bring back balance.

·         Counting Ask children to count by 7 or 9 to 150 and then back

·         Grounding There are so many grounding techniques a popular one is to engage our senses – 5 things I can see, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can touch, 1 thing I can taste.  

·         Positive Mantras help to combat negative thoughts, work with your child to develop at least 5 positive mantras.

3.       Sleep

Sleep is so vital as it allows our brain to process information. Let’s make sure that children are not up late studying, have a cut off time when they close the books. Just imagine studying late at night when their mind is already full of information, their brain needs time to process this. The late-night cram just adds more pressure and stress to a tired body and mind.

4.       Exercise/ Movement

When our children’s mind becomes foggy, they are struggling to retain information or you notice a decline in their mood, encourage them to take a break and move their body through any form of exercise whether that be a short walk, yoga and stretching, a run or skate. Exercise can stimulate parts of the brain that aren’t as responsive (remember they are probably climbing up the mountain in this state). The brain does some pretty amazing work when we exercise; it releases chemical hormones (neurotransmitters – dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin) they help shift and alter the stressed brain. Building regular exercise into our children’s study period helps to balance their body’s stress hormone such as adrenaline which is responsible for the flight – fight – freeze response.

5.       Be Their Study Buddy

Often when children are studying for an exam, we find them reading over and over their text books trying to remember formulas and quotes. It’s a fairly isolating task. A handy little tip to help children cement their learning is to join them, be their study buddy and get children to verbally repeat out aloud what they are trying to remember. Have them be the teacher and get them to teach you. Having children verbally repeat aloud what they are learning encourages the brain to store information through a different pathway. When it comes to retrieving information they aren’t reliant on just one neural pathway. Just like a road map, there are multiple roads leading to one destination.       

I think we can all agree that the exam period is a stressful time for all. I hope you have found those tips useful. Wishing all students undertaking exams at this time of year all the very best! You got this!

Returning To School - Take 2

It’s time for our children to return back to the classroom. Its been a long and difficult time for all – children, teachers and parents/ caregivers combined. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and as children return back to the classroom we begin to regain somewhat of our traditional routine and structure.

But it has been some time since children have been at school, with their teacher and friends face to face. For some children they are filled with excitement and for others there are feelings of jittery nerves.

So let’s take a moment and explore how we can support our children in their transition.

Feelings Check-In

In the next few days leading up to the school return, let’s check in and see how our children are feeling and be curious about their feelings. Validating and empathizing how children are feeling is so incredibly important. When children feel seen and heard we are less likely to see the behaviours that are associated with unmet needs. When we start to talk to children about their feelings we have a tendency to go into ‘fix it mode’, let’s hold off on finding solutions, rather just being with our children and connecting with their feelings works wonders. Knowing that we are on their side and understand what they are feeling makes the emotions less intense.  “I can see that you are scared and I also know how courageous you are. We can do this together.”

Calendar

For our little children (Prep-Year 2) we might track how many days until they return to school by using a calendar to tick off and count down. Children at this stage still don’t have great concept of time and days so having a visual can really help.

Transitional Object

A transitional object is a small item that you can give your child to let them know that you are with them – a special necklace, bracelet, a small item to put in their pocket, or photo. This is a handy little tool for those children who have anxiety and find it difficult to separate from us.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings

Parent and Educator Guide By Annette D’Amore

Working Through Heightened Emotional States.

If you find that your child’s emotions have taken over, they may be refusing to go to school, their emotions and reactions are intense, then we need to help them regulate their emotions and switch off their firing amygdala. Children are yet to fully develop the skills to regulate their emotions on their own so they need us to guide them through it. The prefrontal cortex is the key part of the brain that is required to regulate their emotions and did you know that this is the last part of the brain to fully mature and develop which is around the age of 25.

Here are steps that children can use to help regulate their emotions.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings by Annette D’Amore

Engaging in calming strategies whether it is slow breathing, counting or grounding techniques all help to silence the amygdala and enable children to ignite the prefrontal cortex to come back on line so that children can think rationally (I have include some calming strategies at the end of this blog).

Positive Associations

Have children draw a picture of school and list all the wonderful things about school. This is a wonderful visual reminder that you can put on the fridge on in their room. You might like to turn this into a dinner time game, by going around the dinner table and asking each family member to list a positive things about school, keeping going around to each member and see how many positive association words you can list. By having children say this out loud the brain records and stores this information. What is interesting is that this information is stored in the limbic system the same area that the amygdala is located therefore sending positive messages to the amygdala that it does not need to react. If you find your child is nervous you can refer back to all the positive associations that you made.

Lower Expectations

During this period, we need to consider that we are all experiencing a collective trauma so lower expectations and increase the dial on compassion for ourselves, our children and others.

Night Time Routine

Start getting back into a night time routine, good sleep routines influence mental health and wellbeing.

The Morning of School

Keep things calm and simple, this might mean that we need to get up a bit earlier, be a bit more organized. Children are really attuned to our mood so if we are calm then they feed into this.

We might like to have a mantra for the first day, something that you have discussed as a family the night before. Daily Intentions are a powerful mindful practice. Setting a Daily Intentions helps to guide us in our behaviour and actions. They help us to remain focused and on task, especially when we encounter difficulties. Daily intentions help to prime our brain to look for opportunities and behaviours that support our intentions. (Featured below are Daily Intention Card created by Parent’s Domain)

It is always hard to readjust after a stressful period. Remember deep breaths you’ve got this! Just a reminder to do what feels right for your child. Feel free to have a go and tweak these strategies.

For more information or support please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

"He said".... "She said" - The Sibling Squabbles

Sibling squabbles are normal, very common and all a part of growing up. Even in our adult life we experience conflict. How children learn to navigate their sibling and family relationships provides them with the foundation on how to navigate conflict in their relationships through the various stages of development.

Often as parents we have thoughts of “why can’t they get along?”, “why does it have to be a competition”, “how can I get them to treat each other with more kindness.”

Sometimes we can see disagreements occur between our children because:

• They view the same situation differently

• Feelings of unfairness, let down or injustice surface.

• Competition

• Having to share

• Attention

But there is an upside to sibling squabbles. As children learn to navigate squabbles with their siblings they are learning rich social skills – communication, empathy, negotiation, values, behaviours and problem solving (just to name a few) and we have the opportunity to support these skills.

Remember children aren’t born knowing how to handle disagreements and as their conflict resolution skills develop, we see a shift in their disagreements and it doesn’t last forever.

I want to take a moment to look at the differences in squabbles as our children walk through the various stages of development.

TODDLERS

I like to call the toddler stage “I do”, “No” and “Mine” stage. Toddlers have a new found independence as they are standing on their own two feet, walking, talking and feeding themselves. But at this stage toddlers pit fall is their social skills – turn taking, following rules and instructions. Have you noticed with your toddler that they are possessive over objects? Just move or take a toy and it is game on; as they scurry over to snatch back their toy and say “mine”.

Squabbles at this period of development center around objects, toys and they are easily frustrated, because they don’t have the ability to reason with other children nor communicate their emotions. So how do we see toddlers resolve conflict? Snatch, hit, bite, push or scream.

PRESCHOOLERS

If we survive toddler squabbles it gets easier as we approach the preschool age period where their language and ability to communicate is flourishing, they are learning social norms of turn taking and sharing. When we intervene in their squabbles, we can reason much better. The number one trigger that sets off preschoolers is fairness. A squabble may erupt when someone cheats, isn’t sharing or isn’t following the rules. Our preschoolers are going to need our support to problem solve situations they just don’t have the thinking capacity and have you noticed their impulsive tendencies. This is because their rational thinking is underdeveloped and their response to conflict is filtered through their emotional lenses. Hence, we can experience whinging responses and even those aggressive reactions.

PRIMARY SCHOOL AGED

In the early stages of primary school, we tend to see the competitive behaviours emerge. However, the positive is that children at this stage are really cementing their social skills with the added bonus of compromise is now present. Although fairness can still be an undercurrent of their squabbles. Children at this stage can better communicate how they feel, identify the problem and attempt to problem solve. They still require us as parents to guide them through as their emotional regulation skills are still developing so we can still see children push or hit their sibling out of anger or frustration.

The main standout difference between early primary and senior primary school aged children is the nature of their squabbles. when children reach senior primary school age (8-12 years), this stage we see fewer physical reactions to sibling squabbles and more verbal squabbles that include name calling and even swearing.

Our role can shift to a referee/ mediator as we teach children at this stage to hear each other out and talking about how the situation has left them feeling as well as understanding how their actions have impacted on their sibling. This is where we start to see empathy emerge.

We really want to help children at this stage and the teenage years to shift from finger pointing and more on taking ownership, being accountable and showing responsibility. This comes down to what we as parents role model, being aware of what emotional intensity we bring and the questions we ask our children such as “how did it leave you feeling?”, “what could you hear your brother say”, “what is your sister asking for?” We really want to get children at this stage to use ‘I’ statements as it takes away the accusations therefore leaving their sibling more open to the conversation for example: When (situation)…………. I felt/ feel……………. I would like……………

TEENAGERS

We tend to see a peak in sibling squabbles at the teenage years. At stage of development focuses on independence and identity formation. Squabbles can center around – perceived authority, equality, fairness, personal space, belonging and friends.

Add into the mix of this a whole bunch of hormones and let’s strap in for a bit of a bumpy ride. The best way I can summarize this period in terms of sibling conflicts is just be patient and kind with our teenagers. They are finding themselves again, its like they are at the toddler years, but just in bigger bodies exploring the world through a new set of glasses and how their identity relates to others. So, what they squabble about one day may not be an issue the next. They can resort back to communicating with their body language and non-verbal utterance.

So in a nutshell, sibling squabbles are all about learning to communicate, learning how to relate to others and learning to problem solve. By first understanding what happens developmentally for children can help us as parent alter our approach to meet their needs.

Stay tuned for some tips on addressing sibling squabbles in the next blog.