The After School Meltdown - Neurodiverse Edition

As the school holidays come to an end and the new school term begins. This post is a little reminder of what can await after a school day. Yep… the emotional meltdown that can be a short-lived experience to an intense volcanic eruption. I want to highlight that the after school emotional rollercoaster can occur for all children whether your child is neurotypical or neurodiverse.

I wrote a blog last year about this very same topic, however there are a few different elements for neurodiverse children and this blog aims to provide strategies to support neurodiverse children and even neurotypical.

I often get asked from parent’s why does the after school meltdown occur?

A child’s day at school is busy; from a busy classroom to a busy playground, so let’s break it down into 3 domains.

1. Sensory Input

Schools are a sensory mind field with a child’s brain continually receiving sensory input. From noise levels, school bells, hand dryers, stuffy or hot classrooms, people sitting too close, sitting for long periods, lighting, transitioning between classroom for specialist subjects, smells, classrooms can be visually busy to a neurodiverse child with the range of displays from art work to number boards and the list goes on.

2. Cognitive Load

Then on top of the sensory load we unload the demands of the school work. This can include processing information, translating this information, comprehending the task, coping with unclear instructions, fear of making a mistake which many neurodiverse children have perfectionistic traits, feeling pressured due to limited time to complete a task. All this plus more can impact mental flexibility and children by the end of their day can become inflexible in their thinking; as they seek to gain control of their environment.

3. Social Engagement

Trying to navigate the social and emotional playing field at school can be a challenge for many children whether neurodiverse or neurotypical. Understanding social cues and interactions with peers combined with holding emotions in, also known as masking or camouflaging is very common coping mechanism. Playtime at school can be a very stressful time for children as they often have to navigate the social world and play experience, hence why we often see children playing on their own as it becomes too overwhelming.

Let’s remember that play is exhausting as it draws on a number of brain functions. Playtime in a mainstream school can be a very long time in an unstructured environment for neurodiverse children, remembering that children crave routine and structure as it provides predictability and containment.

Empathic Attunement

Have you heard of empathic attunement? Some autistic children, adolescents and adults can be sensitive to another person’s negative mood. Which means that they can take on another person’s worry, personalise disappointment, anxiety and agitation. For these individuals not only are they holding their own emotions but they have also internalised the emotions of others… boy o boy that is a big load to carry.

Survival Response

It can be tricky to see the warning signs of a meltdown as a child can go from zero to 100 within seconds. It might be the minute you step out of the school or as you drive into the driveway that the downward spiral begins. Often meltdowns elicit a survival response of flight, fight or freeze. A flight response is where the child wants to escape or run to seek solitude. Fight response when you are met with aggression or freeze response where a child will shut down an not communicate.  These responses all signal that the brain is in survival mode. Knowing what response your child has to a meltdown will help determine the strategies and pathways to best support them.

Handy tips:

• Meltdowns are always involuntary and a behavioural response to a build up of stress in the nervous system.

• When you pick your child up from school limit the amount of sensory input, this might include not asking them about their day. Remember their system may have reached capacity by the time you pick them up and a simple question such as “How was your day?” or “Did you have a good day?” or “What did you do today?” could be the final straw that breaks the camels back.

• Have a snack for the car ride home – this helps to element the hangry feelings and refuel a depleted system.

• Provide your child with space and solitude – it might be driving home in silence. Going straight home rather than stopping off at the supermarket.

• Water play can be very calming and soothing for children. When you arrive home do they need a bath or shower?

• If your child is a sensory seeker – engage in activities that utilises the more dominate sensory system that provides them with a release of pleasure hormones.

• Physical activity can be a fantastic tool to cleanse the body of the built up tension – running, swinging, jumping, rolling etc.

• If your child behaviour in a meltdown is aggressive have a box of paper that they can shred or boxes that would go into your recycling bin that they can stomp on and crush. You might even have wooden logs in the backyard that they can move around and construct with.

• Use their special interest as a calming tool. Just be mindful that when the special interest is removed there may be residual emotions that linger as special interests can be a thought blocker and a short term fix.

• Remember that 15minutes of downtime when children get home might not be enough as they have held their emotions all day long and it is a big load to have carried all day.

• Work with your child’s teacher and school to build in preventive breaks or down time during their day. Have lunchtime plans. Discuss sensory and academic modifications to support your child to have success at school.

During a meltdown

• Remain calm in a meltdown – don’t join their chaos. Notice your tone of voice and body language. Use slow and a low tone of voice. Keep your body language calm and not imposing

• Remove other family members and give them space.

• If they want you close during a meltdown sit next to them not opposite with minimal eye contact.

• Acknowledge that they are having a hard time and provide reassurance that it will pass.

• Sometimes if we name the emotion “I can see you are angry” however, the child does not feel angry this can further escalate them. So instead, we may reflect a more neutral emotion “you look upset.”

• If you wish to communicate with them, tell them what to do. Be directive and concise. Be mindful not to use too many words. Avoid saying “no” and “stop”. Be very directive in your communication as their prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) is offline and information is being processed through the emotional brain.

• The key is to calm their nervous system as it is in survival mode.

Well in a nutshell, this is a brief summary of the after school meltdown. I hope you have found this helpful and sometimes we need to ride out the meltdown which can be exhausting. So a little tip is, make sure you top up your energy resources too (aka self-care).

Handy Tips For A Smoother School Transition.

It’s that time of the year again, children across Australia are preparing to transition to the next phase of they educational journey.

Whether you are a parent or teacher these are my handy little tips to ease children’s anxiety about starting kinder, primary school or even high school.

Firstly, let’s consider what school transition or orientation period means for the little or big people in our lives. Take yourself back to the day you started a new job or joined a new group, what feelings were cycling through your body? Fear, self doubt, excitement, nervousness, happy…. Well our children experience the same emotions however without the emotional regulation tool bag and skills that we have as adults.

Let’s remember that developmentally children’s brains and cognitive functions are still developing and neural pathways are strengthening.

So starting kinder, primary school or high school can be BIG and stressful transitions for some children. Even moving from one grade to the next are big changes for children. These transitions and milestones are like children having to learn a new language. What use to happen at kinder may no longer be at school ie. at kinder children maybe use to a pack up song, however at primary school a teacher says “pack away”. There are small changes and big changes in transitions; even if we consider the physical environment - different routines and schedules, different teachers, the classroom and sensory changes (new sounds, lighting, smells movements and uniforms just to name a few). With change and unpredictability we no doubt may encounter behaviours and meltdowns which are related to emotional needs and struggles to communicate.

So, how do we make these transitions less stressful and anxious for our children. It is impossible to put in a plan for every change, but we can plan for changes that we are aware of and put structures in place to help ease the change.

So here we go….

1. Social Stories

As orientation programs can vary from 6 sessions to just 1 session, with sessions often occurring months before children actually start their new kinder or school. A social story can help children become familiar with their new educational setting.

Have photo’s of the classroom, the gate that your child will enter, their locker (bag hook), playground, teacher and toilets.

Attention Teacher’s create a social story for the children using photo’s rather than cartoon images. Children are literal thinkers, if you have extra resources to make a short video of kinder or school in action it provides children with a realistic sense of what kinder or school is like (the busyness, noise level which is great for neurodiverse children to know and for their parents to prepare for).

I have a FREE Social Story about starting school that you can customise for your child, Here is the link: https://www.parentsdomain.com.au/shop/my-new-school-social-story

2. Extra Visit

For neurodiverse children or children who are anxious or children who have no siblings or friends attending their school, arrange a quick 15 minute visit a few days before school starts. This allows children to say hi to their teacher and familiarise themselves with their classroom, playground, toilet and bag area.

3. Lunch Routine

Practice using lunchboxes and drink bottles ensuring children can open and close them. Can they open a sandwich wrapped in glad wrap or a zip locked bag.

Also consider playtime, take photo’s of the playground and brainstorm play activities with your children. I can not stress enough the importance of practicing structured games at home - duck duck goose, what’s the time mr wolf, doggie doggie, fruit salad etc. You might like to ask the teachers what games do the children play at your child’s school. Practicing these games means that your child becomes confident with play and then only needs to navigate the social experience.

4. Clothing

Practice putting on and taking off jumpers, velcro and buckles on shoes. Often a new uniform can make children say “it makes my skin itchy” (this sure did happen with my eldest). Regularly wash uniform to get the stiffness out of them and to help children with sensory sensitivity.

5. Visit

If you can get to your child’s kinder and school during the day especially at playtime and do some “people watching” with your child, it helps cement a visual image of what playtime really looks like at school. (You might want to give the lead educator at kinder or principal a heads up so they know what you are doing).

Over the school holidays visit the the school, even though they may be closed, just going and having a look through the gate and talking about what you can see.

6. Validate Their Emotions

Let’s put ourselves in our children’s shoes and the equivalent comparison for adults would be starting a new job. Remember how that feels? Validate and acknowledge feelings. Practice calming strategies that help to combat those tricky nerves such as breathing exercise, counting exercises, tense and release progressive muscle, fidgets, sensory items etc.

Don’t forget your own emotions, these are also big moments for us. Children will feed off our emotions. If we are nervous and panicky they will be too. Remember to breath and take a moment. I remember holding my emotions in and release the waterfall of tears the minute I stepped out of the classroom.

7. Transitional Object

For those children with separation anxiety having an item tucked in their pocket that they can hold onto to know that mum or dad are not too far away. I sewed a love heart on my girls school dress so if they were feeling a little sad or worried throughout the day they could turn over the hem of their dress and there was a small fabric heart that they could rub.

8. Step Ladder

For those children that really find separating hard, a step ladder approach is a great way to slowly build children’s confidence and tackle those BIG worries. A stepladder approach is a step by step visual guide that you develop with your child and slowly work on one step at a time.

Image from mindfulmazing

9. Role Play

Play schools with your younger child and those who have older children who may be starting a new school role play conversation starters, making new friends, how to get to know people, inviting friends to play, brainstorming when friends don’t want to play.

10. Student Profiles

Have any allied health professional or teacher complete a brief but concise profile on your child which outlines their diagnosis, social skills, emotions and emotional regulation, behaviour and function of behaviours and communication skills.

11. Calendar

Don’t forget to create a calendar in January, maybe two weeks before kinder/school starts. This gives children a visual sense of “how many” days till I start kinder or school.

I hope you found those tips helpful if you are a parent or teacher.

Parenting Burnout

During these uncertain times and as a Victorian going into lockdown for our 6th time, it just adds an extra layer of pressure to our parenting load.

I don’t know about you but home schooling is hard work and I no longer have the energy to do it anymore. I know that this is a really common feeling amongst parents that I have spoken to last lockdown and over the past few days. All expressing how difficult, stressed, frustrated, exhausted and sad we feel.

So, this is my action plan and I hope you find these tips helpful whether you are in lockdown or feeling burnout as a parent.

Self-Care

As parents we need to look after ourselves, we often put ourselves last by caring for those around us. We often feel guilty when we take time out for ourselves. We are often running on empty as we go about our day constantly checking the time. Life if go go go! Just remember you can’t pour from an empty jug, so if our emotional jug is empty, it is really hard to give to others. Do something just for you? I love to sit outside first thing in the morning, on my own or with Coco (our little pomeranian) usually at 6am before everyone has woken up, with my coffee just taking in the crisp fresh air. I usually do this for 15-30 minutes before I start to tackle the day (aka making school lunches first ….)

Lower Expectations

We can’t do it all in one day. Make a list of just the essentials for that day and what can wait. Remember “Rome wasn’t built in a day” so why do we expect ourselves to do everything in a day, cramming our schedule up to the very last minute. I am a culprit for this and if you see me during school drop off or pick, yep I am the mum running into the school like a tornado, in and out then off to the next job.

Be Kind To Yourself

Be aware of our negative self-talk, acknowledge the feelings that are generating the self-talk. Here is a little thought reframing strategy:

1. Is this a helpful thought?

2. Is this thought accurate?

If our response is ‘no’ what is a more helpful and accurate statement.

Feelings

Check-in with our feelings and if we notice that we are carrying emotions, engage in activities that de-escalate our nervous system. This only takes a few minutes! It’s ok to have a break and step away from the computer, the children, the house work... So, time is not an issue. The more we continue to supress those feelings it will impact our ability to concentrate and problem solve, decrease our tolerance and filter situations through our emotional brain.

Have a go at engaging your senses

5 things I can see

4 things I can hear (what sounds are near and far).

3 surfaces around me I can touch (notice the different in textures)

2 smells I can smell

1 taste in my mouth

Have a movement break

Go for a walk, skip with a skipping rope, do some stretches or sit outside and notice all the different colours around you.

Alphabet strategy

Have your tried saying the alphabet backwards? Have a go! It’s great for re-engaging our prefrontal cortex. Our pre-frontal cortex goes off line when we are experiencing states of heightened emotions as our emotional brain has taken over. We need to switch our pre-frontal cortex back on so that we can this rationally, communicate more effectively and problem solve.

In Our Control

Focus on what we can control (our thoughts, behaviours, actions, attitude, diet, sleep and fun). When we are seeking to control what is ‘not in our control’ it generates tension. Seeking control is often a sign that we are experiencing a strong emotion and by controlling others, our environment or a situation it provides short term relief but not long term.

Catch The Wonderful Moments In Our Day

Don’t forget to pause, smile and laugh. We have a tendency to focus on the not so good in our lives. Laughter is good for our soul. What are you going to do to have fun each day?

Rituals

Rituals are a lovely part of family life, let’s create a daily family ritual that incorporates hope and gratitude. We will be doing a daily gratitude at dinner time with notes to each other, it’s a lovely little way to connect.

Image credit - Pathways 2 Success

Remember there is no easy way to manage lockdown, parenting, working from home and home schooling. We are in this together and don’t forget to reach out for help. Do the best you can with what you have in that moment.

From my family to yours – sending you a virtual hug!

The Stress and Pressure of Exams!

Exams go hand in hand with stress, worry, anxiety, late night cramming and self-doubt. We see our children fret and panic which is often paired with unhelpful thinking patterns during this period. Exams set off a chain reaction within our children’s body, emotions and thinking state which can hinder how they approach their exams.

First let’s look at this chain reaction a little closer which will help us to understand what is happening neurologically for them and then we can implement strategies.

Let’s just picture a mountain for a moment and view heightened emotional states such as exam pressure and anxiety as walking up the mountain. At the base of the mountain we are calm and happy. We start to climb the mountain once the brain registers a shift in our physiological state i.e. heart beating faster, sweaty palms, tense shoulders etc.

These physiological changes send a signal to the brain to identify the feeling state. Once the brain recognizes the feeling state, it tunes into our thought pattern/ internal dialogue and as this occurs, we continue to climb the mountain. Our internal dialogue can either fuel and intensify the emotion or it can help us to regulate our emotions. We keep climbing the mountain the more we listen to the internal dialogue and in no time we are at the peak of the mountain where we have reached emotional intensity.

 At the peak of the emotion mountain our brain has entered into survival mode and we encounter a number of difficulties:

·         Our brain is flooded with emotions

·         Irrational thinking – repetitive thoughts occur – we believe that these thoughts are true and 100% accurate.

·         Difficulty to communicate our needs

·         We have a compulsion to act on these feelings

·         Our ability to plan, organize and problem solve is clouded.

Once we are at the top of the mountain we need to get down and here are some key steps to help us get out of these emotionally intense states.

1.       Recognize what we are feeling – the minute we do this we reduce the intensity.

2.       Don’t fuel the emotion – turn down the volume of our internal dialogue by removing statements with “I must”, “I should”, “I have to”, “I shouldn’t have”. These words all add additional stress, tension, pressure, guilt and obligation.

3.       Engage in grounding techniques – our nervous system is in a state of hyper or hypo arousal. So, we need to engage in calming techniques that bring the nervous system back to a state of homeostasis.

4.       Once we are calm it opens up the neurological pathways for us to begin to think more rationally and our executive functioning skills such as planning, time management, organizing, problem solving are all back on line.

Time to explore strategies to manage those intense feeling states:

1.       Awareness

Firstly, let’s talk to our children about the emotion mountain and support them to identify what are some situations that might set them off to start walking up the mountain such as: hearing others talk about the exam, what friends have studied, reading a question in the exam and not knowing the answer. Come up with a game plan for these situations together. This strategy helps children to feel in control.

2.       Brainstorm Calming Strategies

During the study period explore emotion calming strategies and practice these strategies so that come exam time they have some handy little strategies that they can call on to help them come down the emotion mountain.

·         Breathing is a great tool that helps to slow down the body and internal dialogue down. It attempts to bring back balance.

·         Counting Ask children to count by 7 or 9 to 150 and then back

·         Grounding There are so many grounding techniques a popular one is to engage our senses – 5 things I can see, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can touch, 1 thing I can taste.  

·         Positive Mantras help to combat negative thoughts, work with your child to develop at least 5 positive mantras.

3.       Sleep

Sleep is so vital as it allows our brain to process information. Let’s make sure that children are not up late studying, have a cut off time when they close the books. Just imagine studying late at night when their mind is already full of information, their brain needs time to process this. The late-night cram just adds more pressure and stress to a tired body and mind.

4.       Exercise/ Movement

When our children’s mind becomes foggy, they are struggling to retain information or you notice a decline in their mood, encourage them to take a break and move their body through any form of exercise whether that be a short walk, yoga and stretching, a run or skate. Exercise can stimulate parts of the brain that aren’t as responsive (remember they are probably climbing up the mountain in this state). The brain does some pretty amazing work when we exercise; it releases chemical hormones (neurotransmitters – dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin) they help shift and alter the stressed brain. Building regular exercise into our children’s study period helps to balance their body’s stress hormone such as adrenaline which is responsible for the flight – fight – freeze response.

5.       Be Their Study Buddy

Often when children are studying for an exam, we find them reading over and over their text books trying to remember formulas and quotes. It’s a fairly isolating task. A handy little tip to help children cement their learning is to join them, be their study buddy and get children to verbally repeat out aloud what they are trying to remember. Have them be the teacher and get them to teach you. Having children verbally repeat aloud what they are learning encourages the brain to store information through a different pathway. When it comes to retrieving information they aren’t reliant on just one neural pathway. Just like a road map, there are multiple roads leading to one destination.       

I think we can all agree that the exam period is a stressful time for all. I hope you have found those tips useful. Wishing all students undertaking exams at this time of year all the very best! You got this!

Returning To School - Take 2

It’s time for our children to return back to the classroom. Its been a long and difficult time for all – children, teachers and parents/ caregivers combined. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and as children return back to the classroom we begin to regain somewhat of our traditional routine and structure.

But it has been some time since children have been at school, with their teacher and friends face to face. For some children they are filled with excitement and for others there are feelings of jittery nerves.

So let’s take a moment and explore how we can support our children in their transition.

Feelings Check-In

In the next few days leading up to the school return, let’s check in and see how our children are feeling and be curious about their feelings. Validating and empathizing how children are feeling is so incredibly important. When children feel seen and heard we are less likely to see the behaviours that are associated with unmet needs. When we start to talk to children about their feelings we have a tendency to go into ‘fix it mode’, let’s hold off on finding solutions, rather just being with our children and connecting with their feelings works wonders. Knowing that we are on their side and understand what they are feeling makes the emotions less intense.  “I can see that you are scared and I also know how courageous you are. We can do this together.”

Calendar

For our little children (Prep-Year 2) we might track how many days until they return to school by using a calendar to tick off and count down. Children at this stage still don’t have great concept of time and days so having a visual can really help.

Transitional Object

A transitional object is a small item that you can give your child to let them know that you are with them – a special necklace, bracelet, a small item to put in their pocket, or photo. This is a handy little tool for those children who have anxiety and find it difficult to separate from us.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings

Parent and Educator Guide By Annette D’Amore

Working Through Heightened Emotional States.

If you find that your child’s emotions have taken over, they may be refusing to go to school, their emotions and reactions are intense, then we need to help them regulate their emotions and switch off their firing amygdala. Children are yet to fully develop the skills to regulate their emotions on their own so they need us to guide them through it. The prefrontal cortex is the key part of the brain that is required to regulate their emotions and did you know that this is the last part of the brain to fully mature and develop which is around the age of 25.

Here are steps that children can use to help regulate their emotions.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings by Annette D’Amore

Engaging in calming strategies whether it is slow breathing, counting or grounding techniques all help to silence the amygdala and enable children to ignite the prefrontal cortex to come back on line so that children can think rationally (I have include some calming strategies at the end of this blog).

Positive Associations

Have children draw a picture of school and list all the wonderful things about school. This is a wonderful visual reminder that you can put on the fridge on in their room. You might like to turn this into a dinner time game, by going around the dinner table and asking each family member to list a positive things about school, keeping going around to each member and see how many positive association words you can list. By having children say this out loud the brain records and stores this information. What is interesting is that this information is stored in the limbic system the same area that the amygdala is located therefore sending positive messages to the amygdala that it does not need to react. If you find your child is nervous you can refer back to all the positive associations that you made.

Lower Expectations

During this period, we need to consider that we are all experiencing a collective trauma so lower expectations and increase the dial on compassion for ourselves, our children and others.

Night Time Routine

Start getting back into a night time routine, good sleep routines influence mental health and wellbeing.

The Morning of School

Keep things calm and simple, this might mean that we need to get up a bit earlier, be a bit more organized. Children are really attuned to our mood so if we are calm then they feed into this.

We might like to have a mantra for the first day, something that you have discussed as a family the night before. Daily Intentions are a powerful mindful practice. Setting a Daily Intentions helps to guide us in our behaviour and actions. They help us to remain focused and on task, especially when we encounter difficulties. Daily intentions help to prime our brain to look for opportunities and behaviours that support our intentions. (Featured below are Daily Intention Card created by Parent’s Domain)

It is always hard to readjust after a stressful period. Remember deep breaths you’ve got this! Just a reminder to do what feels right for your child. Feel free to have a go and tweak these strategies.

For more information or support please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Children's Social Emotional Wellbeing During COVID-19

The long-term effects of covid-19 on our children is yet to be fully seen. After months and months of being isolated at home, the toll it has had on some children’s emotional world has meant that some children have taken a backward step when it comes to social emotional development.

I have had children talk with me about:

• “Will my friends still be my friends?”

• “When I see too many children at the park I don’t want to play.”

• “I don’t know what to say to my friends when we chat… I get stuck.”

• “All I know is that I feel nervous.”

I had an incident today with my 11 year old who stopped playing at the park because she felt overwhelmed by other children. She hopped off the swing and walk over to me grasping my hand and said “mum can we go home.” She didn’t want to talk right then and there and I didn’t push her to. Instead I just labelled what I was observing “It looks like you became nervous when you saw more children arriving at the playground. Feeling nervous can be tricky but I’m right here.” So this incident prompted me to write this blog, as I know there are more children out there who feel the same way.

So, how can we ease our children’s anxiety and support them in some sense to reintegrate, here are a few little steps.

1.       EMPATHY IS GOLDEN

Empathize with them. When our children feel understood they know that we are on the same page as them cheering them along. It creates safety and security.

2.       HAVE A GAME PLAN

Talk about the situation that you are aware of that might cause some of those anxious feeling and come up with a game plan. Having a game plan allows children feel in control. Then they know that they have something to refer to or fall back on. We might need to support them to work through this.

3.       WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

A few gentle words of encouragement when you see that they are worried and take that risk to separate from us as parents - “I could see you were nervous but when you did X I was so proud of you, that took some effort.” Sometimes encouragement can be non-verbal, the good old thumbs up or wink can communicate a thousand more words.

4.       REMINISCING

Sometimes reminding children what it was like when they were doing that task that gives them those jittery feelings. “Do you remember when you would leap onto the monkey bars and swing from bar to bar or even do a flip, wow that was awesome.” Reminiscing helps children to build the confidence in an unconscious way and silence their inner critic.

5.     PATIENCE IS KEY

I know it can be frustrating when you know that your child can do the task that is causing them angst. Let’s just pause for a moment. These are BIG feelings that our children are having and take a moment to lower our expectations, we are all experiencing a great deal. They will get there again but the path just looks a little different.

If your child is having some struggles reach out and get in touch and check out some of the wonderful group programs being offered.

So I hope these have been a few handy tips to consider or gentle reminders to play around with and remember to do what feels right for your child.

"He said".... "She said" - The Sibling Squabbles: Part 2

In Part 1 of The Sibling Squabbles we discussed the developmental stages of children and what we might see emerge during sibling conflict. Looking at sibling disagreements from the angle of a”it is a teaching opportunity” no matter what stage of development. Children don’t master social skills until early adulthood.

As promised, Part 2 of The Sibling Squabbles will look at some tips to help us as parents manage and work through these parenting challenges. When siblings squabble, our children want us to pick sides, the blame game emerges, the finger pointing, the tears, the behaviours….

It can be very overwhelming and exhausting not to react. Our chaos or calmness can be infectious. Remember when our children are arguing, the spot fire has been fueled and we don’t want to add more fuel to the fire through the way we respond or react.

Here are some tips:

• Don’t join their emotional chaos with our own emotional intensity. Yep, their squabbles are going to push our buttons so before we respond check-in with yourself and take some deep breaths if you need to.

• Be mindful not to take sides. I know its so hard especially when a child has behaved in a way that may go against the family rules or expectations. We need to eliminate blame as it keeps children in a cycle of pointing fingers, excuses and avoiding feelings.

• Instead of approaching the squabble with “who started it?” Lets remind ourselves that they both played a role and explore what the conflict is about and how they were left feeling. For our toddlers and preschoolers keep it simple, state what you see and notice about the situation and what you observe them to be feeling, “I can see that the block tower has been knocked over. Sally you seem sad and Ben are you angry?”

• Brainstorming solutions is a great skill to teach children as it is connected to compromise, negotiation and empathy. Before we get to the step of problem solving successfully, children have the need to feel heard and validated. This can sometime rely on us as parents and the way we facilitate the discussion. My advice is to listen to what children are telling us and reflect back to them what we are hearing. Once a children feel understood we can help them think of ways to repair the situation and relationship. We might provide our younger children with two solutions and for our older children we can allow them some space to figure it out together and then ask them how they got to that solution.

• We don’t always need to step in and solve the conflict, except for those situations where it becomes verbal, physical or family rules are broken.

• Be mindful of how we as adults role model conflict resolution in our own relationships. Our children are watching and our primary school aged children and teenagers have more understanding of our style as they watch us.

• Consider your child’s temperament - do they quickly get angry? or do they hold their emotions in? For those children that go from 0 to 100 within seconds, before launching in to find out what has happened take a moment to ‘pause’ and allow them to calm down. When children are in heightened states, its going to be tricky to rationalize with them as they are emotionally charged and the belief that all brains have in heightened states is that “i’m 100% right and its not my fault.” For those children who are more withdrawn; the focus maybe on naming the emotion, sharing your observations of their emotions, inviting dialogue with open questions and repeating back what you have heard.

• For primary school aged children and teenagers give each child an opportunity to talk about the conflict. You might like to use this little formula: Allow Child 1 to answers these questions

  • What did their sibling do?

  • How you were left feeling?

  • What I did

  • How that would have left their sibling feeling?

Child 2 might be bursting at the seams to talk especially as they hear their sibling respond to the first two questions. Once they hear their sibling talk about their own actions and take responsibility for their actions it allows the other children to feel seen, more open to the discussion and take responsibility for their actions as well. These four questions are great for empathy development.

Overall, seeing our children squabble can be difficult just remember as they grow it gets easier, they are learning life skills and it is a very common issue within families. There are so many factors that influence squabbles – temperament, age, social skills and environment.

"He said".... "She said" - The Sibling Squabbles

Sibling squabbles are normal, very common and all a part of growing up. Even in our adult life we experience conflict. How children learn to navigate their sibling and family relationships provides them with the foundation on how to navigate conflict in their relationships through the various stages of development.

Often as parents we have thoughts of “why can’t they get along?”, “why does it have to be a competition”, “how can I get them to treat each other with more kindness.”

Sometimes we can see disagreements occur between our children because:

• They view the same situation differently

• Feelings of unfairness, let down or injustice surface.

• Competition

• Having to share

• Attention

But there is an upside to sibling squabbles. As children learn to navigate squabbles with their siblings they are learning rich social skills – communication, empathy, negotiation, values, behaviours and problem solving (just to name a few) and we have the opportunity to support these skills.

Remember children aren’t born knowing how to handle disagreements and as their conflict resolution skills develop, we see a shift in their disagreements and it doesn’t last forever.

I want to take a moment to look at the differences in squabbles as our children walk through the various stages of development.

TODDLERS

I like to call the toddler stage “I do”, “No” and “Mine” stage. Toddlers have a new found independence as they are standing on their own two feet, walking, talking and feeding themselves. But at this stage toddlers pit fall is their social skills – turn taking, following rules and instructions. Have you noticed with your toddler that they are possessive over objects? Just move or take a toy and it is game on; as they scurry over to snatch back their toy and say “mine”.

Squabbles at this period of development center around objects, toys and they are easily frustrated, because they don’t have the ability to reason with other children nor communicate their emotions. So how do we see toddlers resolve conflict? Snatch, hit, bite, push or scream.

PRESCHOOLERS

If we survive toddler squabbles it gets easier as we approach the preschool age period where their language and ability to communicate is flourishing, they are learning social norms of turn taking and sharing. When we intervene in their squabbles, we can reason much better. The number one trigger that sets off preschoolers is fairness. A squabble may erupt when someone cheats, isn’t sharing or isn’t following the rules. Our preschoolers are going to need our support to problem solve situations they just don’t have the thinking capacity and have you noticed their impulsive tendencies. This is because their rational thinking is underdeveloped and their response to conflict is filtered through their emotional lenses. Hence, we can experience whinging responses and even those aggressive reactions.

PRIMARY SCHOOL AGED

In the early stages of primary school, we tend to see the competitive behaviours emerge. However, the positive is that children at this stage are really cementing their social skills with the added bonus of compromise is now present. Although fairness can still be an undercurrent of their squabbles. Children at this stage can better communicate how they feel, identify the problem and attempt to problem solve. They still require us as parents to guide them through as their emotional regulation skills are still developing so we can still see children push or hit their sibling out of anger or frustration.

The main standout difference between early primary and senior primary school aged children is the nature of their squabbles. when children reach senior primary school age (8-12 years), this stage we see fewer physical reactions to sibling squabbles and more verbal squabbles that include name calling and even swearing.

Our role can shift to a referee/ mediator as we teach children at this stage to hear each other out and talking about how the situation has left them feeling as well as understanding how their actions have impacted on their sibling. This is where we start to see empathy emerge.

We really want to help children at this stage and the teenage years to shift from finger pointing and more on taking ownership, being accountable and showing responsibility. This comes down to what we as parents role model, being aware of what emotional intensity we bring and the questions we ask our children such as “how did it leave you feeling?”, “what could you hear your brother say”, “what is your sister asking for?” We really want to get children at this stage to use ‘I’ statements as it takes away the accusations therefore leaving their sibling more open to the conversation for example: When (situation)…………. I felt/ feel……………. I would like……………

TEENAGERS

We tend to see a peak in sibling squabbles at the teenage years. At stage of development focuses on independence and identity formation. Squabbles can center around – perceived authority, equality, fairness, personal space, belonging and friends.

Add into the mix of this a whole bunch of hormones and let’s strap in for a bit of a bumpy ride. The best way I can summarize this period in terms of sibling conflicts is just be patient and kind with our teenagers. They are finding themselves again, its like they are at the toddler years, but just in bigger bodies exploring the world through a new set of glasses and how their identity relates to others. So, what they squabble about one day may not be an issue the next. They can resort back to communicating with their body language and non-verbal utterance.

So in a nutshell, sibling squabbles are all about learning to communicate, learning how to relate to others and learning to problem solve. By first understanding what happens developmentally for children can help us as parent alter our approach to meet their needs.

Stay tuned for some tips on addressing sibling squabbles in the next blog.

The Emotional Roller Coaster at Pick-Up Time.

Have you noticed when you pick up the children from day care, kinder or school that they are quick to escalate with intense emotions? Which leaves you wondering where did all that come from, I just asked how your day was.

There is a term used for this state called Emotion Restraint Collapse.

If you think of our child's day of learning and processing information, add into the mix is lots of conscious and unconscious sensory input, and the additional range of emotions children will experience throughout their day that they don’t acknowledge. Their brain is flooded with information, their emotional tanks are well and truly depleted, that the body and brain need to release the tension that is generated (like a pressure cooker). Sometimes that outlet in on us because there is safety in our relationship.

So, what can we do when the eruption happens? Connect. If they are complaining and frustrated, empathise and acknowledge the struggle and just be present. When children feel acknowledged the intensity of situations de-escalates quickly. Help them problem solve situations as they may not have the emotional resources to.

Another handy little tip is to have a snack in the car just to eliminate those "hangry" feelings.

Be mindful not to bombard them with too many questions about their day right away. Hold off on the questions about their homework or who did you play with. Instead shift focus on what meal you may be having for dinner, an activity or something they may be looking forward to.

If you are driving home put on the radio and stay quiet. If you are walking, say little or just comment on the nice little things you notice.

Just a little reminder that not matter if we look at our routine at pick up time, it is expected that emotional eruptions will sometimes still occur despite all our efforts. This is a normal part of being, because guess what? It happens to us adults as well. We can experience the same emotional eruptions after a long day of looking after the children or being at work.

Remember… the key is to slow things down and connect.

Let's Enter Into The World Of Play

We have been our children’s playmate for a few months now whilst the covid-19 restrictions have been in place. I know that playing with our children can feel uncomfortable, repetitive, boring… but to our children play is their world.

Play is where the magic of development takes place. Social skills, language, problem solving, fine and gross motor skills flourish.

Sometimes, it is our own feelings that can impact the way we play. We might choose what to play just so we know that there is an end point or because our minds are so preoccupied with the numerous amounts of task that we need to complete on our ‘to-do’ list. That the thought of just sitting and being can feel overwhelming. I know for me when I am playing barbies with my girls, I start playing and somehow drift into tidying their barbie house, fixing their dolls and just like that my attention has shifted.

So, I started thinking about children and play as I watched and heard my girls playing. The laughter, the fun and the sheer joy (and no it’s not like that all the time as they do squabble). Play is truly powerful and purposeful! When we join in with our children, play enriches families. Let’s take a moment to consider how children view play with us… special time to connect, laugh, have fun and be silly. Children get to experience us in a different light or role. Have you noticed that when we leave play with our children they often say “just one more round”, or “2 more minutes” or “please play a little bit more”. That’s because our children love to be with us.

If you think about the influence that play has on our families, it is heart-warming. It brings positive energy and fills our house with optimism.

I want to set you a challenge, to create a family tradition centred around play. Give yourself permission to put the ‘to-do’ list on hold and allow yourself to simply be with your children, it doesn’t have to be for long hours. Small burst of time is better than none. As parent’s let’s lighten up a bit… let’s have a dance off, a fancy tea party, shoot some hoops… anything that brings a smile and some laughter to our face and that of our children. In my family, we regularly have a board game night with Beat the Parents Board Game a belly laughter of a game. It is a technology free zone, no phones, no TV… some special treats and silliness. I know that babies and toddler do demand more time in play with us than do our school aged children. Just consider what play means to you, your children and your family.

Let’s create wonderful memories that fill our heart and theirs with warmth.